It’s not long ago that men were expected to do all the chasing and make all the decisions when it comes to dating. But how much has this changed in the 21st century?
A survey by DatingDirect.com suggests a new trend — women are becoming sassy and assertive, while men are remaining more traditional in their approach to courtship.
In the survey of over 2,000 people, women reported being less shy on dates than men (29 per cent versus 44 per cent), and making more effort with their appearance — half choose smart, sexy clothes on a first date, whereas 78 per cent of men go for the casual and relaxed look. Women also like to keep the finances on an equal footing. Seventy per cent prefer to split the expense of a date, or pay for themselves. However, 52 per cent of men believe it’s their time honoured duty to pay.
Darren Richards of DatingDirect.com concludes: “The rules of dating may be changing for some, but the concept is still as popular as ever.”
But what might be stopping you from taking the first step? Sometimes even very intelligent, funny, confident women don’t ask guys out because they believe that “it’s the man’s role”, or they fear rejection, scaring men off, or appearing too keen. But there is a whole generation of men who want women to make the first move, and feel that women should embrace the power and independence they now have. And in fact, some guys are just too shy, or don’t know what to say, or think that you won’t be interested.
But perhaps your lifestyle doesn’t bring you into contact with potential new partners. So consider widening your social circle — take up a new class, try out new clubs, get involved in political or volunteer activities. Also, don’t discount your current social network, because often friends, family and work colleagues are more than willing to help and will set up introductions if asked.
Other possible avenues include personal ads in newspapers and more specialized dating services to cater for your specific hobbies or preferences, guaranteeing that you share at least one common interest.
These days, the internet is increasingly used by modern singles to search for a compatible date. So join in discussion groups, forums and chat groups and put your dating skills into action. And in the arena of internet dating, women can be as forward as they like and either side can make the first move. Men report that they are perfectly happy to be approached by women and their supposed “male pride” isn’t hurt at all — quite the contrary!
In many ways, online dating is the ideal way to meet someone suitable, as you can quickly get to know a great deal about a person at no risk to yourself. It’s no small thing to be aware of the other person’s outlook on life, religion, sense of humor etc. before meeting up in person. Chatting in a safe environment encourages honesty and therefore compatibility, so may prevent a wide range of problems occurring further down the line.
Not every girl is going to be outgoing. Many of them are going to be introverted, shy, and will not know what to do when asked out sometimes. If you fall for one, you are going to have to make the first move, you’ll have to show them you’re safe, and this is going to be a lot harder than other options. If you are serious about learning how to attract shy girls, then you need to focus on slowing down your push forward. These girls aren’t going to give you the time of day at first, so you’ll need to focus on breaking their shell, so take these tips to heart.
Find Out What They Like
Before you can ever even ask a shy girl out, you need to know what they like. You need to learn about books, movies, and other things that they are passionate about. Sometimes you are going to have to just involve yourself in interests that are specifically their own. If you can do that, you will have an opening to talk to them with. For instance, many enjoy young adult novels, which means you may have to read one, or two. If not, then you’ll need to show interest and perhaps ask them what they recommend. Then get them talking. If you can do that, they’ll start to open a little. Keep an open mind when figuring out how to attract shy girls.
Make A Point To Ask Bigger Questions
When you’re approaching the topic of how to attract shy girls, you need to look at asking questions. You have to speak to girls of this nature with open ended questions. Don’t just ask how their day was. Ask something about them, compliment them, and get them to open up. People think that this is hard, but it’s not. Most shy people will open up if you ask them a string of questions and try to get to know them. They’ll catch on eventually, and you’ll be in the zone in no time learning how to attract shy girls.
Go To Places Where Shy Girls Are
What are people that are shy into? Chances are you’ll find out if you investigate a little. Your city has a lot of different areas where people of this nature congregate. Sometimes it’s as simple as a comic book store, sometimes it’s a library, sometimes it’s college campuses, you have to find them. If you do a little digging, you will no doubt eventually find them and will be able to attract them with relative ease.
Sustainable love isn’t a myth, it is just misnamed, for love & romance to be sustainable it must constantly change to grow with those involved. The real issue isn’t in the love nor romance, it’s in how people try to define forever that is the true issue.
People think forever, is to be unchanging.
To be unchanging is to break, is to wear down to nothing trying to hold onto what was.
Most lovers try to balance out their relationships based on outside benchmarks rather than their center. To base love and romance only upon someone else’s outstretched arms…
As Yeats says
“Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold… “
Romance is all about two people coming to terms with each other. Romance goes stale when two people stay the same. Now when you base love upon the nature of change, to create an ever changing love. This then establishes a baseline that you and your partner do shift, which then leads to always renewing the romance, a romance that can last upon a centre. Something that isn’t locked into a chest but rather connected handily together with awareness instead.
Anyways, I love the Oscar Wilde quote because his quote is 100% true when people try to make forever, to only be the same thing…! That becomes the same olde same olde before you know it.
So sad, but it seems most people prefer tragic love that is always fleeting over true love that is alwayschanging. People desire a romance that connects them to new faces rather than trying to see a partner in a new light. All because we are seeking change as part of our nature. So let romance and love truly change with time, allowing your partner to dance with you against change over a lifetime.
Learn to understand the difference and you will discover lasting love and a kaleidoscopic romance that stays strong with your relationship over time.
If you found a great friend or a group of friends, you would be so happy about it that you’d think “We’re tight!” You may think that if the friendship is good enough, nothing can mess it up, right?
Not really! Actually, even if you find the best friends you can have right now, there are still things you, or they, could do to mess it up pretty badly.
So, in order to avoid doing it, let’s learn how you can actually screw up a good friendship…
Don’t Reach Out More Than Twice A Year
This is the quickest way to do it – just stop calling, reaching out, sending messages, etc.
Just remember your friend whenever you really have nothing else to do, when you have enough time to hang out, when you actually feel like talking to them, and when all the stars align in favor of both you hanging out.
Yea, when that happens, and you do reach out, that friend will probably have moved on and barely can fit you in their lives anymore. You abandon them, so they abandoned you.
Ignore The Most Important Things In Your Friends’ Minds
This is the supreme representation of being “out of touch.”
See, people focus on things more than others; they pay attention to some things more than others; they love some things more than others; and fear certain events and problems more than others.
If you keep ignoring what’s most important in your friend’s life, then you’re simply out of touch.
They’d think that you’re out of touch at best, and don’t care, at worst. Either way, you’re probably going to lose that friendship.
Switch Sides Whenever You Feel Like It
Whenever your friends are arguing against somebody, or they got rejected by another group, then what you should do is calculate which side you should take, which one is better for you.
That way, if the people from the other group invite you to hang out, you should definitely go and talk badly about your previous friends.
Really, this sounds like kindergarten stuff, but it’s still relevant. People are still kinda “tribal” in nature.
If they think that your loyalty is dodgy, or shaky, you’re toast! You’re no longer to be trusted.
Only Show Up When Your Friend’s Life Is Going Great
This behavior is so annoying, it should probably be illegal… Ok, maybe not.
Some people call themselves “your friend” but can only deal with you when you’re celebrating something, when you’re happy, when everyone is on your side, and everyone is there too.
That’s nice, but when the going gets tough, they start to be busy and can’t afford to spend time helping you figure things up.
Surely, you don’t want to have friends who are whining and constantly need help from others, but, no matter how much of a winner is your friend, there will be a day or a period of their lives when they’ll need some support.
Ignore them at that exact time, and they’ll remember it.
They might be 30, or 75. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together. Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know it!
How do these couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”
Happy Couples and Their Secrets
1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.
Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.
2. Work on the relationship.
An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.
3. Spend time together.
There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.
4. Make room for “separateness.”
Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.
5. Make the most of your differences.
Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.
People have extra-marital affairs for all sorts of reasons but primarily because there is something lacking within their marriage. If you are considering having an affairit is likely that you are seeking an escape from an unhappy marriage.
You shouldn’t underestimate the power of affairs; however liberal society has become, affairs remain a common cause of divorce. However it is very rarely the affair itself that is the root cause of the marriage breakdown – often the affair is theaffect rather than the cause – the final nail in the coffin.
Affairs happen because of unresolved conflict so before you act on your impulses try to work on the core issues, if put right then maybe, just maybe, your marriage could get back on track.
So why not look at these three common reasons for having an affair and take note of our recommended advice.
Lack of physical intimacy
This is one of the most cited reasons for marriage break-ups and affairs – for both men and women. A dull or infrequent sex life can ruin the bond between the couple even if they feel they still have a strong emotional connection. Put simply; many people start to look outside of their marriage for romance and intimacy if it is lacking within.
Our Marriage Advice: Don’t wait for your partner – take action yourself. Compliment him to show him that you still fancy him, consciously become more tactile with him whenever you are together, send racy texts when he’s on his way home from work or start the day with morning sex and put a smile on his face all day!
Don’t let your sex life decay; take action now to bolster your physical connection. You should also remember that there is a close connection between physical and emotional intimacy so check out our next point too.
Lack of emotional intimacy
In this day and age there is more opportunity for women to have affairs – many from close friendships in the workplace, at the gym or on social networking sites. Friendships with the opposite sex can become more intense if there is a lack of emotional intimacy at home. You can find yourself confiding more in your friend, perhaps telling him things that you don’t discuss with your husband. Typically your friend becomes the person that you call and text throughout the day to share your news and feelings. Even if you are at home with your husband you are still in regular contact with him.
Having a close friendship that replaces some or all of the emotional intimacy you should have with your spouse can lead to affairs. Some also consider this close friendship to be ’emotional infidelity’ even without the physical affair.
Our Marriage Advice: Be careful to set boundaries in your friendships. Take steps to ensure you and your husband have time to chat and share. Ideally you should incorporate physical affection when you talk so give him all those ‘I love you’ signals; snuggle up together on the couch, hold hands, touch him when you pass by him and so on.
A look at your bank statements and bills reveals that your money is slipping away like sand that slips through your fingers. You have been married for only a short time, and your spending is out of control. Is your spouse to blame? Not so fast! Think as a team, and consider some factors that may have caused both of you to get into this predicament. *
WHY IT HAPPENS
Adjustment. If you were living at home before you got married, you may be new to the world of paying bills and sharing expenses. It could also be that you and your spouse have different approaches to money. For example, one might be more inclined to spend while the other is more inclined to save. It takes time for a couple to adjust and develop an agreed-upon method of handling money.
Procrastination. Jim, now a successful businessman, admits that when he was a newlywed, his poor organizational skills cost him dearly. “Because I delayed paying bills,” he says, “my wife and I ended up spending thousands of dollars in late fees. We ran out of money!”
The “invisible money” trap. It is easy to overspend when you cannot see the money leaving your wallet or purse. That may be the case if you handle most of your transactions by credit or debit card, Internet purchasing, and electronic banking. The lure of easy credit can also make it easy for newlyweds to overspend.
Whatever the cause, money issues can tear at the seams of your marriage. “Most couples report money as a top problem, no matter how much they have,” says the book Fighting for Your Marriage. “Money is a ripe area for conflict.”
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Resolve to cooperate. Instead of blaming each other, work as a team to bring spending under control. Decide at the outset that you will not allow this issue to drive a wedge between you.
Set up a budget. Write down all of your expenses, no matter how small, for a month. That will help you to figure out where your money is going and to identify any unnecessary expenditures. “You have to stop the bleeding,” says Jim, quoted earlier. “That’s a saying in medicine and in business.”
Is your marriage alive and well, or is it time to dial 911? Chances are the health of your relationship falls somewhere in the middle — slightly out of shape and tired. Unfortunately most of us tend to take the health of a marriage for granted. And we don’t realize how important a happy, healthy relationship is until it’s time for marital CPR.
Maintaining personal health requires work — exercise, good nutrition, rest and regular checkups. No one teaches us that the same kind of maintenance is also necessary in order to keep a marriage alive. Love between a parent and child is unconditional. Love between a husband and wife is not. As divorce statistics would indicate, an untended marriage falls apart too easily. The good news is that there are ways to make a marriage survive, and better yet, thrive.
Your Marital Diagnosis
There are warning signs or “symptoms” when your marriage is “under the weather.” Here are some key symptoms:
- feelings of chronic resentment toward your spouse
- lack of laughter between the two of you
- desire to spend free time with someone other than your mate
- too much time spent playing the “blame game”
- conversations between you are laced with bitterness and sarcasm
Relationship Revival Program
Do any of these symptoms sound familiar? If so, it’s time to revive your marriage by following this program.
- Make the marriage your priority, not an afterthought. Set aside regular time to be alone with your partner. If kids are in the picture, hunt for a “network” of trusted babysitters. If money is a concern, compare the cost of a night out with that of marital therapy or a divorce attorney! Get the drift? Start doing some of the things that used to bring you joy, and helped you to feel more connected. There are plenty of activities that you can do for free — a long walk, star gazing or window-shopping are all simple pleasures that can bring you closer together.
- Resuscitate your romance. Remember how the sparks flew when you first met? It’s probably not too late to rekindle the embers. Surprise your spouse with a homemade Valentine (any day of the year!) and a bottle of champagne. Light up the bedroom with candles, or put a love note in his briefcase. Last but not least, initiate lovemaking. Passion is the glue in a marriage — it helps you feel close to your mate, and makes getting through rough times a lot easier.
- Accept what you can’t change. Much marital strife is caused by the belief that you cannot be happy in your marriage as long as you must live with your partner’s bad habits or imperfections. Have you noticed that no matter how much you gripe and moan, these things don’t change? Rather than trying to control what you can’t, work around his quirks and focus on the positive. We all respond much better to praise than to criticism. And here’s the paradox: Sometimes when we stop fighting the way things are, they actually do change. No guarantees, but it’s worth a try.
- Be attractive, inside and out. “Married” doesn’t have to mean complacent. Continue to learn and experience new things, and share these with your partner. Eat right, exercise, rest and make the most of your appearance. Doing these things is taking good care of yourself, but it’s also a way of showing your mate that you want to be your best and share yourself with him.
Rory’s parents had discovered that Rory was sexually active and wanted to know how to handle his request to have Jen (his girlfriend) “sleep over” when they were planning to be out of town. They decided to talk it over with someone because they had different opinions. When Rory, who was now seventeen, had posed the question, he had told his parents that he had seen me and suggested that they call me.
Waiting between sessions, I could hear Susan’s and Mike’s raised voices on the path to my office as I sat working at my desk.
“This is the door to her office.”
“No, this way, over there!”
After a few minutes of this I decided to stand at my entryway to guide them.
Mike was a tall man with the same broad shoulders as his son, the football player. He looked like he knew where he was going, but he had already passed my office and was opening the door to the toolshed. Susan was still at the very top of the path. She was on her hands and knees, admiring an English ivy pushing its way out between two rocks. I thought she might be trying to take a cutting. I waved them both in.
Hurrying around my largest tree, Mike arrived first and shook my hand vigorously. “You need to post a map out there just to get around your backyard!”
“Good idea, it can be pretty confusing,” I said.
As we sat down inside, I could see what Rory meant when he said that his parents were in different places. Mike coughed and complained loudly for several minutes while Susan cleaned off her ivy cutting in the bathroom. She seemed oblivious to her husband’s frustration with the delay.
“That’s an unknown ivy, Dr. Ponton, very unusual. Thanks for letting me take some.”
Although Mike appeared eager to begin, I sensed that it would take some work with this set of parents to move into the topic of their son’s sexual behavior. And I was right. Nearly half the session went by before we were even close to the subject.
Then Mike let me know exactly what he was thinking. “It’s against my values to ever have this kid sleeping with some girl at our house. He says he’s not going to have sex, but you can’t trust him, Susan.”
“Mike, it’s his choice, his body. You can’t control everyone,” said Susan in a frosty voice that hid more than anger.
“I know I can’t control everyone, but it’s my house.”
“It’s our house, Mike.” I heard the tenor of her voice rise to meet his.
“Let’s see if I’ve got this straight. Mike, it is against your values for Rory to have a girlfriend sleep at your house. Susan, you have a different opinion. You think it might be okay under some circumstances. Mike, help me get the full picture here. What values does this violate?”
Taken aback by my question, Mike paused and stroked his beard. Susan smiled sweetly, seeing her husband on the spot. “Yes, dear, what values?”
“He’s a kid. He’s irresponsible, well, some of the time. And, simply put, I own the house. I can decide what goes on there.”
“That’s a value, all right,” snorted Susan.
“Susan, we probably wouldn’t even be here if you hadn’t encouraged him to sleep over at Jen’s house. Then he gets caught, and the Ludtmanns are not speaking to us.”
“Mike, you’ve got that wrong. I knew about it, but I did not encourage it.”
“Well, you didn’t tell me it was going on. I thought he was at some football camp until Jen’s dad calls me at the office, threatening to sue. I was left looking pretty stupid—sports camp, huh?”
Here Susan blushed and started fumbling in her oversize carryall.
“Susan, Mike, what was your communication like before this happened?”
Drying her eyes with a bunched-up Kleenex, Susan said, “Usually a lot better than this. After this situation with the Ludtmanns, everything has fallen apart.”
Dealing with the loss of a spouse can be one of the most traumatic and stressful events in a person’s life. This loss often occurs during a stage when many other changes are occurring. Children are grown and have moved away, the couple has retired and has experienced a significant change in routine, financial status may be up or down, contacts with friends and acquaintances may have been curtailed and the widow or widower’s own health may be declining.
During this time of dramatic upheaval where physical, psychological and spiritual boundaries are challenged, accepting that the grieving process will not be brief makes the whole process even more difficult. In going through this mourning period with many individuals, I have found that a period of one to two years is often necessary. The grieving process, given its length is not too extreme, is one of the most essential elements in the healing process.
Reconstructing a daily pattern of life, during the early months of grieving, can be very difficult. Many individuals find themselves alone for the first time since early adulthood. Loneliness seems intolerable and it may feel as if your only confidants are those who have experienced type of loss. Women who have lost their mates are often overwhelmed by activities they were not responsible for in the past, such as mechanical repairs and financial details.
Following are some suggestions that those suffering from the loss of a spouse might find helpful:
- Let family provide nurturance and support. Additionally, professionals such as mental health specialists, clergy and doctors can be of assistance.
- Grief and loss support groups are also extremely helpful. The opportunity to process and share feelings with others experiencing similar difficulties can be invaluable in the healing process.
- Don’t rely on your children to pave the way for you during this transition. Most children will be supportive, but will be proud and be grateful if you allow them to lead their lives while you begin to reconstruct yours.
They say that nice guys finish last, and guess what? They do. If you’re going to move forward with a woman, you need to learn some tips to stop being Mr. nice guy. Without knowing these things, you are going to get left in the friend zone forever. If you’re interested in a woman and you want to get with her, you will need to shake off the stench of being just “nice”. If you do that, you will get with her and stay with her. This is something that takes a bit of time, and it’s going to give you the upper hand as you more forward through the dating world. The following are some tips that can help you achieve this progression.
Take Time For Yourself
Do not just be waiting around for her to call you. In fact, make plans, and stick to them. Make plans, share them with her and then go do them. Do not wait for her to call to make plans, don’t wait for her to try and do things, you should be doing things on your own. Remember, you are an independent person and you are not a beggar. Too often guys wait for someone to call, or to give them some action. Don’t be that guy. Instead, do your own thing, go to museums, coffee shops, read books at libraries, and just be on your own without her. Even if you really want to be with her, don’t let her see it or you will be too nice.
Don’t Fight With Her
Do you really want to stop being Mr. Nice Guy? Then don’t fight. Seriously, don’t fight with her, instead, let her vent and then walk away. When she confronts you, tell her you’re not interested in a manipulation or discourse of anger. She’ll fume, she’ll want to talk it out, she’ll get mad, and you’ll look like a bad guy. But she will think about it and later apologize. That’s when you will accept her apologies, but you will be busy doing something else. Just don’t fight while trying to figure out stop being Mr. nice guy.
The biggest thing that you need to remember about all of this is simple, you need to be independent. Do not let her control or run your life. You need to be your own person, to a fault. You want her to join you in your life, you don’t want to lay down yourself for hers, because that’s a sign of weakness. Women will run you over if you let them. There’s give and take in marriage and relationships, but if you’re not there yet, don’t let that become your fault. Figuring out stop being Mr. nice guy is tough, but it needs to be done.